Tonight, I am going to cheat. I know my postings are supposed to happen on Mondays and Fridays but... hey, it's after midnight so I suppose it is technically Friday anyway. Moving on...
Today, is the day of my portfolio review.
In a few hours I will be getting ready, and soon after that I will be at the school, being judged by a group of panelists on a body of work that I have been working towards creating for the last year of my life. This brings me joy and tears all at once just thinking about it. All great things must come to an end, I know, I understand, but I'm just not quite ready to let go.
"Well it's four in the morning, things are getting heavy, and we both know that its over, but we're both not ready. And you're talking like a stranger, so I don't know what to do. And I'm calloused and I'm cruel to everyone but you..."
My experiences in Massachusetts are unlike any I've had so far in life. I know this comes with the territory of new life experience and getting older, but this was my biggest leap so far. I've loved, lost, explored, sobbed, rolled on the ground and laughed, and learned more than I could have ever imagined. I've met people I will miss for the rest of my life. I've seen sunsets that I will never witness the same.
"Yeah the stars shining through our window, and the stars shining through our window. And it's been a while since I stared at the stars, yeah it's been a while since I stared at the stars."
Tonight I lay awake much to late and wonder why it is so hard for me to let go.
A few hours ago I drove through Greenfield and went slow by place where I could see myself walking, midday July in a summer dress. My skin was sun-kissed and everything was new. I'm laughing with friends I've made. We're making big plans. Then all of the sudden we blinked, and here we are now.
"Spring can be the cruelest of months, but bringing in your life, yeah we're promising so much. Like the pledge that you gave when you said that you'd always love me, but we both know by autumn you're like the color of leaves,"
I made a big decision last week in regards to my next big adventure. I'm selling all of my furniture, packing my car up with whatever will fit, and heading for the west coast. I am a creature of comfort, a hoarder of all things that carry sentiment, and I think that by starting to let those things go I can start to let go in other parts of my life. I'm young, and I think this is the first healthy decision I've made for myself in a very long time. Life is too short to settle and dwell.
"Yeah the stars shining through our window, and the stars shining through our window. And its been a while since I stared at the stars, yeah it's been a while since I stared at the stars."
I will miss the stars on my bridge, the water rushing that I fall asleep to every night, the smell of fresh flowers in Shelburne Falls in the summer time, catchlights in fond friends eyes, but life goes on. Ready or not, morning will come. I'd like to think that I am ready, or I will be soon. Goodnight.
"Well I don't think that it's the end, but I know we can't keep going. Well I don't think that it's the end, but I know we can't keep going. Because blue skies are coming, but I know that it's hard."